Sam

Today is a sad day in our house. The lovely Sam, our faithful hound has gone to sleep forever.

Never a spot of bother. Always ready for a walk. Now he's gone and the house is a little quieter than it ought to be, a little less lived in. He was far too ill to carry on but the decision to take the life of another animal is hideous, just putting him in the car felt like the ultimate betrayal of loyalty and trust. I was a sobbing wreck in the waiting room so they found me somewhere to sit with him and the wait was endless. The hardest part was ringing the vet in the fist place; to take that decision. Now there are lots of little sadnesses. The Artist went outside to the trampoline and there was no click of claws on the laminate to see if anything interesting was happening. I had to throw out food after tea and no one came to hoover up the dropped chips while the evening meal was being cooked.

The thing is I was never soppy about our Sam, in fact I probably felt the restrictions of having a dog more than most in the family possibly because I have never had a responsibility like that before, but, as with most mum's I know in a family where there is a dog, I probably did the most with him, most regularly. So despite not being a soppy crazy dog owner, I am really, really sad. So is The Artist who has preserved a few clumps of hair. The others are managing better; The Sports Star and The Music Man are that little bit older and realised to some extent what it means when a dog is to ill even to stand. Dh has done this before, he grew up with cats and the dogs of relatives. So The Artist and I have spent the day watching TV, making costumes for the upcoming Manchester parade, eating whatever we fancy... looking after ourselves a little.

and finally....

Some completed projects

A loopy tea cosy for a friend.

Have also completed cushion covers for the front room (which have been on the jobs list for twelve months) and new covers for the chairs in the kitchenn (Jobs list since Christmas). However the picture have been mysteriously deleted from the camera before they have been downloaded and so I cannot share.



Chasing bees

A couple of thursday's ago I took my camera for a walk. Having dropped the children off at the sports centre I had two hours to kill. Normally I go for a nice coffee and sit with some knitting but I wanted to use the time differently.

 It felt kind of odd, going for a purposeless walk by myself. For me much of the joy of walking is in the shared experience so to set off in a strange place with no place to get to felt, well just weird. At the very least there is usually the dog with me.
I tried to look for beautiful things to take pictures of, but I was trying too hard. It seemed like an age before I relaxed into just being in the space, and the thing that did it in the end was trying to follow a bee. This bee was whizzing about between blackberry flowers going about it's business, but it was far too quick for my amateur attempts at wildlife photography. Every time I got the camera even close to the right flower, the bee had already moved on.

As you can probably see I am no photographer, but the photo's are not really the point of the exercise, taking pics just gave me a focus and when I am focused I am in the present moment. I lost all sense of time trying to get a picture of that bee, I lost the sense of it being a bit odd to be out on my own doing nothing in particular, I lost the sense of the time constraints of needing to pick up the children. My whole world became getting a picture of that bee. Like the world of a toddler or child at play.

I even chased a different bee in my determination to get a good bee picture. In the end the best picture was of a flower. I have always loved daisies, they make me feel cheerful, childlike. they are so bright and sunny, really simple to draw and really abundant at this time of year.

And I did loose track of time I only wandered for half an hour!! It felt like I had been chasing the bee for twice that time at least. When I arrived back at the car bothered that I might be late for the kids, I was really surprised to find I had been out so short a time. The moment had passed though and I went back to my knitting and my coffee.

 I had thought I might be inspired by my walk into something creative, or that I might come home somehow changed and ultra-relaxed. In the end I think the value was in getting right into the hear and now, right into those moments when I was unaware of my surroundings, the inevitable joggers and dog walkers, the weather, the time - just focused on that bee. There is a real knack to this present moment stuff, it takes practise to be really present to what you are doing but it brings peace, breeds contentment and puts to rest some of that striving that we all spend so much time doing.

Growing...and Growing

Eighteen years ago this month I found out I was going to be a mum. I guess I experienced all the usual emotions which are too numerous and too confused to ever separate out into a coherent narrative, so I will not try. However I do remember that most of these emotions were to do with the immediate; how will I manage? What will it be like? How do you change a nappy? What exactly does a baby do? Is giving birth even possible? Will I ever stop being sick? Now the answers to some of these questions were easy I was an oldest child and had lots of cousins so I knew the mechanics of nappy changing and bathing - the responsibility though, I'm not sure I have ever got used to that. Despite my concerns being for the baby's immediate needs, I always knew I was heading in this direction, to the other end of the journey; to the part where they are all grown up. Almost to the day that I found out I was pregnant, my now not so baby girl went to the ball. The Sports star set out on a sunny May evening with her +1 in tow looking like she had just stepped off a catwalk or out of an expensive salon.

I expected to be a bit tearful or at least emotional in someway. What I actually felt was completly comfortable. My baby girl is ready to fly and I am supreemly confident that she is ready to take whatever life can throw at her. The first thing it will throw at her of course is A levels which are upon us now, followed hot on the heels by her first holiday abroad that she has bought paid and signed up for herself, with her own name on the dotted line, followed by uni and semi leaving home etc. etc. So lots to do/cope with/muse over in the coming months. I wonder will I be so calm when she walks out the door to go to uni in            a couple of months time? Will it take a few weeks for the greif which I am sure is coming to kick in? Or will it be immediate as I walk out the door and leave her in an unfamiliar place? Watch this space!!



As if this wasn't enough the youngest babe has reached double figures. Yes our littlest offspring is 10.

and it is not all that long since the Music man entered his teenage years. So we are a changing family at the moment. Families are always changing of course but sometimes those changes are big and obvious to everyone, which is where we are this year.

All these growing children has left my arms a little empty and my head with not so much to do. I find myself musing over what I would like to do with myself when this Home ed adventure is over. Then I have a day like today where I was trying to pull together a history project while simultaneously making sure it was their work and not mine, writing shopping lists, doing housework and trying not to let my hand stray towards picking up my current book (more on that later in the week), and a day like tommorrow where I will be lucky to get any tea! So maybe my mind is a few months/years ahead of what is practical. Perhaps a blog, a few projects and the odd bored evening are enough for now.

The importance of play

Playing.

It comes so naturally and yet once we hit those teenage years we somehow stop  -  and then forget. I wonder why that is? The stopping can be explained, I guess by a need to move away from things that are 'childish', things that mark us out as children. As emerging adults we are all to aware that as a general rule adults do not play. They work. And so we try to shed playing and anything associated with playing to become 'more like adults'.

I have asked myself two very serious questions this week. Is this how I want my chldren to view adult life? and have I lost my ability to play?

The answer to the first question is no. Absolutly no. I do not want my kids to think of their life as 'grown up' as work and jobs lists. However if I am honest that is what my life has all too easily become. Several things have brought this into focus recently. A good friend has been inviting us round for games evenings once in a while, another set of friends are also into games and we have recently spent a lot of time with them playing. Playing piggy-in-the-middle on the beach, playing dice games. Also The Artist is into games in a big way, mainly because he lkes the company and this has got me thinking. We have had such a lovely time.

I have not (I don't think) lost the ability to play but I do not prioritise playing, it is way down the list behind cooking, washing, taxi service etc. etc. To some extent this is necessary, it would be no good if we had no clothes to wear or food to eat, but to have little or no play that includes the adults, expecially in a HE household is a poor do.

Thinking back I used to spend a lot of time playing with The Sports star when she was young, whenever we went to family parties I was alwys to be found in the corner with the children playing games rather than in the room with the adults chatting/moaning (there is often a fine line). But once there were three children, a DH that works away, teenage children to drive places and HE to consider (To name a few), the play kind of got lost along the way which is crazy and not at all the planned outcome of taking the kids out of school. I guess I got a bit wrapped up in being an adult and forgot to be who I am. The artists retreat I am sure has helped with this, focused the mind a little, allowed space in the schedule for play for me which in turn gives me more energy for play for 'us'. Spending time with friends who are enthusiastic about play also helps. The dawning realisation that 'the jobs list' will never actually be finished, it will just constantly change over the course of my life.

Spiritually also we are told to be like little children. In play we loose ourselves, we forget the things we are worried about, are planning for or working towards, forget how we look from the outside and become ourselves again. In short we live in the present moment, and that is where God is. God is present to us in the hear and now, not wrapped up in past problems or acheivements or to be found in fututre plans. Like little children wrapped up in a game of complex imaginings, we are called to be completly present to where we are, wrapped up in the love of Christ who is the divine centre of all we are, closer to us than even the breath we breathe. When we are wrapped up in Christ there is no room to worry about what other people are thinking, of how we might look from the outside or even of where the road might take us. We are completely present in the moment with God - just like a child at play.

As with all other things, what we choose to do in our practical daily life is a reflection of how we are spiritually so if I am unable to play, unable to let go enough to be silly, to get caught up in the moment and forget myself, how can I put myself to one side and alow God to work? On so many levels something needs to give.

As a way of trying to redress this a little we are having a bit of a clear out. We are going to play all the games we have and get rid of any that are rubbish so we can replace then with new (or new to us) ones that are worth the space they take up in the cupboard. The Artist and I made a start today as all the others were out and we had the place to ourselves. The problem is going to be that there are just too many good games out there - we only manage to get rid of one and that was because it wasn't in a great condition rather than because it was rubbish.

So more play in our house - at least until I forget again that painting the fence is NOT more important than playing.

Friendship

I have had a bit of a week.

I have found that I have amazing awesome friends who love me deeply and without question

In those friends I have found a large chunk of heaven right here under my nose where I couldn't see it.

These friends, through just being who they are, have shown me something of the God I claim to believe in.

Maybe now I get it. For at least a little while.

The unconditional love of an all powerful God. Awesome.

Ransomed, healed, restored, forgiven, set free for a life lived abundantly in the grace of one who loves me without question. How great is our God?!

A prayer

This is a prayer that God gave to me on a day of silence in 2004 when we were to contemplate the painting the prodigal son. Now I have been given a book to read which contemplates the same painting and it has brought this to mind. I have begun the process of putting a version together that can be sung. It maybe a long process as I haven't got the knowledge or skill to do this yet - but I'm working on it with the help of some very lovely freinds. Also given to me by God

Come to me all you who are thirsty
Come if you are poor, crippled, blind or dying.
Come of you are balck or whire, believer or no.
Come if you are doubled over with the weight of your troubles
Come when you sing for joy in the love of Yahweh
Come even if you have never come before
Come to me always, in every circumstance you find yourself
Come and share it with me

Come to me as you are; a child of God
Come and be healed, comforted, rejoiced over
Come and share with me; you are my beloved
Come to me and bring others with you, so that they also may drink
Come and show me who you are so that I may show you who I AM.
Above all come. For I am your God.

My list of twenty

A couple of weeks ago I posted about a day of reflection and journaling I had attended. As part of it we had to write a list of twenty things we would do/places we would go on an artists date, by ourselves, for the enjoyment of doing something for ourselves. Well I am happy to say I have managed this for the last two weeks. This may not seem momentous but it is having an impact on my week already. I am calmer. I have a cast iron guarantee that there will be some enjoyment in my week. Most of all I have permission to be an important person in my own life.

This may sound like a strange statement but it is quite difficult to find time for self in a schedule crowded with people and commitments. Not that I resent the time I spend on other people - far from it, time spent with and for others is life giving in all ways. It is more that it is easy to become the least important person in your own life as you race around trying to fit everything in. I find it hard to say no to the kids; no I'm not going to do that with you because I am going to do something for myself. If I had a job to do fine, or if something more urgent came up, but prioritising self just because I can, that is much more tricky.

So what have I done so far? Week 1: I took an afternoon nap, plonked the boys in front of a DVD, took a shower and went of  sleep. This may not sound like much to most, but if you consider I didn't sleep in the day even when they were babies, this is a big thing for me. Week 2: I took myself off to the wool shop and bought some wool that I didn't need. Another little step. I am still haunted by my extremely frugal student days where The Sports Star and I existed on next to nothing. When you realise how little you can manage with you start to view 'stuff' and the possession of 'stuff' differently. I have plenty of wool, I have the skill to adapt a pattern to fit the wool I have, so why buy more? Well it was such a pleasure!! And now I have the added pleasure of knitting with it in a week or so when I've finished The Artists hat.

so the list of twenty;
1) An afternoon nap
2) A day trip I have intended to take for ages (first on list the wildflower centre in Liverpool)
3) Go for a coffee
4) Buy some nice underwear
5) Take a singing lesson
6)Take some paints and drawing things to a local beauty spot
7) Go for a bike ride
8) Lie in a meadow on a sunny afternoon
9) Go to a bookshop for a mooch
10) Go to the garden centre and buy a plant
11) Do some colouring/take a pen for a walk
12) Paddle in the sea
13) Play a childhood game (two balls is first on the list)
14) An afternoon of prayer
15) Go to the wool shop
16) Go for a walk with the camera
17) Play guitar for the afternoon
18) Charity shop trawl
19) Mooch round the library
20) Go birdwatching.

Nothing on the list that is going to change the world but it may just make my life a little richer and a pleasanter place to be