Chasing bees

A couple of thursday's ago I took my camera for a walk. Having dropped the children off at the sports centre I had two hours to kill. Normally I go for a nice coffee and sit with some knitting but I wanted to use the time differently.

 It felt kind of odd, going for a purposeless walk by myself. For me much of the joy of walking is in the shared experience so to set off in a strange place with no place to get to felt, well just weird. At the very least there is usually the dog with me.
I tried to look for beautiful things to take pictures of, but I was trying too hard. It seemed like an age before I relaxed into just being in the space, and the thing that did it in the end was trying to follow a bee. This bee was whizzing about between blackberry flowers going about it's business, but it was far too quick for my amateur attempts at wildlife photography. Every time I got the camera even close to the right flower, the bee had already moved on.

As you can probably see I am no photographer, but the photo's are not really the point of the exercise, taking pics just gave me a focus and when I am focused I am in the present moment. I lost all sense of time trying to get a picture of that bee, I lost the sense of it being a bit odd to be out on my own doing nothing in particular, I lost the sense of the time constraints of needing to pick up the children. My whole world became getting a picture of that bee. Like the world of a toddler or child at play.

I even chased a different bee in my determination to get a good bee picture. In the end the best picture was of a flower. I have always loved daisies, they make me feel cheerful, childlike. they are so bright and sunny, really simple to draw and really abundant at this time of year.

And I did loose track of time I only wandered for half an hour!! It felt like I had been chasing the bee for twice that time at least. When I arrived back at the car bothered that I might be late for the kids, I was really surprised to find I had been out so short a time. The moment had passed though and I went back to my knitting and my coffee.

 I had thought I might be inspired by my walk into something creative, or that I might come home somehow changed and ultra-relaxed. In the end I think the value was in getting right into the hear and now, right into those moments when I was unaware of my surroundings, the inevitable joggers and dog walkers, the weather, the time - just focused on that bee. There is a real knack to this present moment stuff, it takes practise to be really present to what you are doing but it brings peace, breeds contentment and puts to rest some of that striving that we all spend so much time doing.

Growing...and Growing

Eighteen years ago this month I found out I was going to be a mum. I guess I experienced all the usual emotions which are too numerous and too confused to ever separate out into a coherent narrative, so I will not try. However I do remember that most of these emotions were to do with the immediate; how will I manage? What will it be like? How do you change a nappy? What exactly does a baby do? Is giving birth even possible? Will I ever stop being sick? Now the answers to some of these questions were easy I was an oldest child and had lots of cousins so I knew the mechanics of nappy changing and bathing - the responsibility though, I'm not sure I have ever got used to that. Despite my concerns being for the baby's immediate needs, I always knew I was heading in this direction, to the other end of the journey; to the part where they are all grown up. Almost to the day that I found out I was pregnant, my now not so baby girl went to the ball. The Sports star set out on a sunny May evening with her +1 in tow looking like she had just stepped off a catwalk or out of an expensive salon.

I expected to be a bit tearful or at least emotional in someway. What I actually felt was completly comfortable. My baby girl is ready to fly and I am supreemly confident that she is ready to take whatever life can throw at her. The first thing it will throw at her of course is A levels which are upon us now, followed hot on the heels by her first holiday abroad that she has bought paid and signed up for herself, with her own name on the dotted line, followed by uni and semi leaving home etc. etc. So lots to do/cope with/muse over in the coming months. I wonder will I be so calm when she walks out the door to go to uni in            a couple of months time? Will it take a few weeks for the greif which I am sure is coming to kick in? Or will it be immediate as I walk out the door and leave her in an unfamiliar place? Watch this space!!



As if this wasn't enough the youngest babe has reached double figures. Yes our littlest offspring is 10.

and it is not all that long since the Music man entered his teenage years. So we are a changing family at the moment. Families are always changing of course but sometimes those changes are big and obvious to everyone, which is where we are this year.

All these growing children has left my arms a little empty and my head with not so much to do. I find myself musing over what I would like to do with myself when this Home ed adventure is over. Then I have a day like today where I was trying to pull together a history project while simultaneously making sure it was their work and not mine, writing shopping lists, doing housework and trying not to let my hand stray towards picking up my current book (more on that later in the week), and a day like tommorrow where I will be lucky to get any tea! So maybe my mind is a few months/years ahead of what is practical. Perhaps a blog, a few projects and the odd bored evening are enough for now.